Legal Lamentations
by NebulaBelt
Summary: Set in Misfitverse though it focuses on the XMen. Just a brief little one shot about the legal troubles the XMen cause. Special guest star with a name that's fun to say!


**LEGAL** **LAMENTATIONS**

"The listings are in!" Roberto shouted to the X-men in the living room.

"Listings?" Jean asked. Scott sighed.

"They've been keeping score over how many lawsuits the Institute has had and who's responsible for how many."

"You mean there's actually a competition over who causes the most lawsuits?" Kurt blinked.

"Shouldn't be that surprising." Rogue sighed. "I think the contest may be on who caused the least though. Might as well check it out, I've heard that they have a special guest announcing the listings."

"Like, who?" Kitty asked.

"The professor's lawyer, Mr. Loblaw." Rogue said. "Come on."

With martyred sighs, the X-Men headed out of the living room and walked into the main hall, where the New Recruits were standing around a dignified looking Caucasian man in a business suit who was busy passing sheets off to Sam.

"All right, all right, settle down." Sam said. "Here's what we've got so far. In the past six months Tim has caused a total of seven lawsuits, bringing his grand total up to fifteen."

There was some polite applause. Tim Fitzgerald, better known as Skullfire gave a sickly grin.

"Next up, with another three lawsuits, bringing his total up to twenty-seven is our own Roberto Da Costa."

"Hey no fair! I know that one at the jewelry was partially Ray's fault!" Roberto protested.

"My fault? How is it my fault?" Ray demanded.

"You shorted out the entire security system!"

"Well, at least I'm not the one who set that dummy on fire at The Gap!"

"One time I did that." Amara growled at Ray.

"Actually, it was three." Jamie corrected eagerly.

"Speaking of which, Amara. You caused four in the past six months, bringing your grand total up to twenty-nine." Sam said, reading off the sheet. "And Ray, I wouldn't be talking as you've cause fourteen in just the last six months. You're total is thirty-eight."

"Just can't keep out of trouble can you?" Bobby snickered. It was karma—or more accurately Sam—that caused Bobby's snickering to be cut short.

"Bobby Drake, twenty-two lawsuits for a grand total of forty-five." Everyone laughed at Bobby's stricken expression. Sam kept reading.

"Everett, zero; Dead Girl, zero…seems like our newest recruits have been keeping their noses clean…oh wait, Betsy you have three lawsuits, bringing your total up to seven."

"Everybody's a critic." Betsy shrugged. "Do I want to know how many Penny caused?"

Sam and the lawyer peered over the list and shook their heads. "No."

"Thought not." Betsy said.

"Hmmm, moving on…I've got a total of twenty-five, Jamie's got fourteen, Jubilee has twenty-seven, Tabby…" Sam winced. "Sorry, Tabby but your total is fifty-seven."

"Woo!" Tabby said as she raised her arms. "I'm the best!" No one bothered to point out that the contest was for the **least** number of lawsuits. She probably knew that, but simply didn't care.

"Moving on…Rina has twenty-three, Paige has five, Forge has forty-two, Jessie has twenty-seven, Rahne's got one, oh wait its from that FOH-Purity picnic she and Catseye trashed. Should we count it?" A chorus of rude noises, razzes, and general cursing ensued. "I didn't think so." Sam said as he tossed the offending piece of paper over his head.

"Honestly, can't any of you stay out of trouble?" Jean demanded in annoyance. "You're supposed to be upholding the dream of human-mutant coexistence, not bankrupting the institute in lawsuits!"

"Jean Grey, thirty-eight lawsuits." Sam read off with a grin. "Scott Summers, thirty-seven…"

"Whipped by Jean again." Ray whispered to Bobby.

"He's used to it." Bobby sniggered back.

"Kurt Wagner, twenty-two; Rogue, fourteen; Remy LeBeau, fifty-three; Peter Rasputin, thirty-one; Kitty Pryde…" Sam's eyes goggled. **"One hundred forty-seven?"**

Everyone glared at Kitty.

"It's like, not my fault!" She protested.

"Damn, I know when I'm beat." Tabitha said. "I've gotta hand it to you Kitty, you're good at being bad."

"Shut up!" Kitty screeched.

"And those are the listings!" Sam finished with a flourish. "We all know who our biggest winners…and loser," he looked at Kitty "are."

"Hey!"

"Rahne, you've got zero lawsuits…well none that count anyway. Dead Girl, Everett you've got zero too but Rahne's been here longer so it's sort of a bigger achievement for her. Rahne, you get our grand prize of fifty dollars, though they'll probably end up being used to bail the rest of us out." Sam admitted. "Dead Girl, Everett you each get twenty-five dollars and a free pass to any restaurant of your choice. I'd use it tonight 'cause Kitty's cooking."

"There'll be another couple of new lawsuits for her then." Bobby noted.

"DIE!" Kitty screamed as she tackled him. A fight broke out. You need not see a precog to see where this was heading.

"One hundred forty-eight." The lawyer sighed as he answered the phone. "One hundred forty-nine…one hundred fifty…"

"I don't suppose we don't get some sort of discount for the group?" Rogue asked the lawyer.

"I actually have to leave but you can feel free to check me out on my law blog." He said.

"I wonder, can I sue myself for agreeing to come here?" Kurt asked. "Or wait, better yet, this is an old question, can I sue my parents for experimenting on me and turning me into this?" He asked, pointing to his blue furred self. Mr. Loblaw blinked.

"You mean someone **did** **that** to you? Kid you could win that case with the O.J. prosecutors!"

"Kurt, we've been over this! You're not suing Magneto and Mystique." Jean said.

"Right, we didn't come here to talk nonsense to Bob Loblaw!" Scott snapped then blinked when he realized what he just said.

"You know that's kind of fun to say?" Rogue said. "Bob Loblaw. Bob Loblaw."

"Try saying his law blog's name." Kurt said. "'Bob Loblaw's Law Blog.'" Bob Loblaw sighed.

"Good-bye, I have other customers to see to…though compared to **you** they **almost** seem sane!"

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Bob Loblaw © to Arrested Development

The X-Men © to Marvel

Misfitverse © to Red Witch


End file.
